Pocket full of dust...

Haven't done much lately here even though there are many thoughts on my mind at times. But then too, there are times when my mind seems to be blank. Also, some events just cry out for a comment while others are ho-hum in nature and either I could care less or find the situations to be beyond help by anyone in this city or state.

Other problems are of a personal and medical nature and seem unsolvable at this time. Sometimes I feel like just saying, "Shoot me". Also, to everyone out there, DON'T GROW OLD as you are going to have a whole bunch of problems that will make life less worth living. At least that is the way it has been in my family's history.

My life has been full of diseases which have taken their toll: Alzheimer's (mother), dementia (father), lung cancer (step-father and one uncle), stomach cancer (sister), pancreatic cancer (a friend) and colon cancer (an even closer friend). Now my problems are still being evaluated.

Is life worth living? Of course religious people are going to say so, or, what's the alternative. Well, at age 73 I don't give a rats ass about the alternative if my health is not going to be good. I have had a full plate, as they say, for many years, so now it is time to let go. I am not needed here nor is there anything here that I really need.

Oh, I can just hear some people in religion crowing, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and have life eternal", or words to the effect. Damn, I could of nothing more cruel. These 73 years have been enough. Who the hell would want more? Even in perfect health, that would be cruel. There is only so much that a human being can deal with, mentally, physically, or emotionally.

As some wise person said a long long time ago, there is a time to love, a time to hate, a time to live, a time to die, etc., etc. Well, you get the picture or should anyway.

Am I depressed? Maybe, maybe not. Just tired would be more like it. Right now I just desire better health and while my friend Richard cannot be replaced, a new friend of similar intellect and compatibility would be nice. It has been a lonely life since he died in January 2010 but how does one meet and make new friends at my age? Most everyone I know, even casually, are somewhat feeble, physically or mentally or both, and let's face it, at this age we are too set in our ways anyway. Aint' nothing gonna change me or any other ol' fart out there.

It is really a helluva dilemma when I can't identify with people of my own age or with the younger generation either. There MUST be a solution to this but I sure can't think of one right now.

Well, I am tired now and need to figure out what to do with myself the rest of the day. If tomorrow comes I will have to start all over again but for now I will leave that problem alone.